Reinventing
Time-Out
by: Karen Alonge
Parents are often advised to put their child
in time-out as a form of discipline. While
this sure beats the old-fashioned method of
spanking as a behavior management tool, it
still presents a few problems. Not the least
of which is … who’s gonna make him go?
If he refuses,
and you pick him up or drag him over there,
haven’t you just resorted to controlling
your child using physical force? And how
much different is that, truly, from
spanking?
I have a
proposition for you. Instead of giving your
child a time-out, take one yourself! After
all, YOU are the only person whose body you
can easily move. And your attention is the
ultimate goal of most misbehaviors.
Imagine this
scenario:
Junior konks
Baby over the head with a toy.
Giving him a
time-out might look like this:
MOM: Junior,
go take a time-out for that.
JUNIOR: No! No! I won’t go!!
MOM: Oh yes you will!
And she picks
him up and spends the next 10 minutes trying
to make him stay on his time-out chair in
the corner, while Baby sits alone on the
floor, watching.
Clever Junior
just scored himself 10 minutes of his
mother’s undivided attention. Sure, she
might be yelling and angry, but she’s ALL
HIS, and the intensity of her attempts to
control him only make her more interesting.
This is why you sometimes see a child smirk
while being disciplined.
Now try this
on for size:
Junior konks
Baby over the head with a toy.
Mama, her
voice filled with loving concern, scoops up
Baby into her arms and says, “Oh my
goodness, Baby! I can see it is not safe for
you here. Let’s go play in your room for a
while.”
And whisks
herself and Baby off to have loads of fun in
his room, while leaving the instigator alone
with his toys. (Of course, she must still
keep an eye on Junior, so she can’t go too
far away.)
This time it
didn’t work out so well for Junior, did it?
He learned that if he wants attention and
company, and of course he does, then he
better not hit Baby. And Mama never had to
say a word to him.
Your attention
is THE most powerful reinforce in your
child’s world. Use it wisely! Lavish it on
him when he behaves in appropriate or kind
ways. And turn it to something else when he
does not.
Think of your
attention as a watering can – sprinkle
generously on behaviors and attitudes that
you want to thrive, and avoid watering the
weeds. Instead of yelling or giving negative
attention, which is still attention, turn
your focus away from your child and on to
something else until he is behaving
appropriately again. If other kids are
impacted by his behavior, take them with
you. There is always something around at any
given point in time that could benefit from
your attention … a sink full of dishes, the
laundry, phone calls, or a good book.
The
inappropriate behavior will wither away in
the drought, and sprouting in its place will
be attempts to gain your attention through
positive means, like apologizing or making
amends. When this happens, water those
gestures generously with praise, smiles, eye
contact, and hugs.
This means the
end of lectures, yelling, fighting, and
arguing with your children. Say goodbye to
that sinking feeling of helplessness when
you feel out of control. You ALWAYS have
control of your own attention! Harness it
consciously, and it will serve you well.
Besides,
disciplining in this way is so much more fun
for a parent than yelling! And kids
shouldn’t be the only ones in the family who
get to have fun. You know the old saying …
the family that plays together, stays
together!
